


The Spirit of Flying

by sonofdvrin



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, both physically and mentally, lance is just in a lot of pain, post ep-11, this is a very lance heavy fic okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2017-11-08
Packaged: 2018-08-18 11:22:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8160421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonofdvrin/pseuds/sonofdvrin
Summary: After being torn out of the wormhole, Lance loses everything he thought made him a paladin. Lance struggles to find himself again and redefine what it means to be a protector of the universe.





	1. The Sacred Bond

The last thing Lance could remember after being torn out of the wormhole was the feeling that his heart and soul were being torn out of him. This feeling had consumed him so much that he couldn’t process anything else. Blue tried calling to him with the last of her energy, but she couldn’t get through to him. Before Lance knew what was happening, he crash landed on a planet, with Blue completely powered down.

When Lance had woken up inside of Blue, he wasn’t sure how much time had passed. All he knew was that he felt so alone. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt this type of loneliness. There was no noise in the back of his head from the bond he had with Blue and the rest of the paladins. The absolute silence was slowly destroying him.

“Blue…can you hear me, Blue?” Lance whispered hoarsely.

There was no response. Lance tried standing up to see if there was a chance that Blue might not be completely powered down, but he fell before he could fully stand up. The effort was too much, so he just stayed lying down, tears starting to run down his face. For what seemed like hours, Lance cried and cried, the loneliness becoming more and more unbearable. He had always taken the bond with Blue for granted…he didn’t realize how much the bond had become a part of who he was as a person. Now that it had disappeared, Lance knew he was no longer going to be complete.

Lance wasn’t sure how long he just laid on the ground of the cockpit. It could have been days or weeks, but the passage of time was lost on him. If he was alone with no chance of rescue, what was the point? What was the point of anything if he could never make it back to Earth or the Castle of Lions?

A week had passed when locals had finally found Lance curled up in a ball, looking near death. With Lance being unresponsive, the large humanoid cats carried him back to their village. Lance wasn’t fully aware of what was happening, but he knew he was being torn away from Blue. He let himself be carried, though, unable to put up any type of fight. 

After a few days of healing in the village, Lance came to the full realization that he was away from Blue. Panic quickly spread through him as he attempted to gather himself. He couldn’t breathe and couldn’t think straight. All that was on his mind was to get back to Blue. As soon as the panic began, one of the village healers grabbed Lance gently by the shoulders and made him meet their gaze.

“Blue Paladin, be calm,” they whispered calmly. “I will take you to your lion, once you have eaten. Is that agreed?”

Lance nodded, slowly trying to calm down. He wasn’t fully aware of his current situation, but he needed to get back to Blue, and if all it meant was eating a meal, he could manage that. The villager brought him a bowl of what appeared to be vegetable stew. Lance had never been so happy to see food that wasn’t the green goo Coran loved so much. At this point, he didn’t care if the food killed him, his body was screaming out for him to eat. He had eaten the bowl within a few minutes, then looked up at the villager expectantly.

“T-thank you,” Lance said, hoarsely. 

It had been too long since he had spoken that his own voice seemed foreign to him. Speaking felt almost uncomfortable.

“Come, follow me, Blue Paladin,” the villager said.

“L-lance. The name is Lance,” Lance whispered.

“I am Chatav,” the villager replied.

It took around twenty minutes before the two reached Blue, although the trip might have been quicker if Lance didn’t need so much assistance from Chatav. Lance was in tears when he saw Blue lying there, completely and utterly powered down. He couldn’t feel any type of life coming from her. The bond was still broken.

“Blue, I am so sorry, but I don’t know how to bring you back,” Lance said, chocking back a sob.

Chatav then helped Lance get closer to Blue so that Lance could touch his lion. Lance just stared at her, before completely breaking down. He used to always complain of wanting to go back to Earth before the wormhole and have the bond be gone, but he was never completely serious about it. Never in a million years would Lance have expected the lack of the bond to feel so painful.

“Goodbye, Blue. I love you so, so much,” Lance whispered. “I hope you know that. If by some miracle you can hear me, know I’m not abandoning you. I’m…I’m still recovering from the wormhole. I’ll still be here waiting for you. But…I don’t think you’re coming back.”

Lance wanted to say more, but speaking was taking a toll on him. It hurt too much to speak anymore, even though he knew there was more to be said. Patting Blue once more, Lance turned around with tears in his eyes. Chatav, sensing the immense emotional pain Lance was in, helped the weak paladin back to rest in silence.

In all honesty, Lance didn’t have a plan on how he was going to get back to anywhere. Without Blue working, and the lack of a bond, he wasn’t sure if he was every going to be able to leave. And maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing. 

Thinking back on it, the feeling of inadequacy had started off small and was never too much of a worry for Lance. At first, it was just a small nagging feeling that he needed to be doing more, to become a better paladin. But then the feeling kept growing into a monster he couldn’t control. By the time Lance had realized these feelings, he felt like it was too late for him to talk to any of the other paladins about it. 

Now Lance felt like he was never going to measure up to what everyone wanted from him. He was barely holding onto what shred of hope he had left. So, maybe being torn away was not such a bad thing. Now there could be a chance that Blue and the rest of the team could find a proper pilot to form Voltron. Maybe that’s the reason why Lance had lost the bond. It was probably just time for him to go.

And Lance accepted that. He accepted that he was no longer needed. Nobody needed to tell him that. Lance could feel it in the core of his being that nobody needed him anymore. So, time continued to pass, without Lance caring about how much.

Lance slowly got used to the planet he landed on. The warm climate had reminded him of home and there was a beach not too far from the village. That simple fact helped Lance heal. It had been too long since Lance had seen the wide expanse of an ocean and felt the smooth sand between his feet.

When he finally got the approval of Chatav to travel to the beach, he was ecstatic. When Chatav and two other villagers brought him there, he nearly cried. It wasn’t exactly like the one near his hometown, but it was close enough. Lance just sat and watched the sun, while he listened to the waves and breathing in the cool air. This was the first time since he was torn through the wormhole that he felt somewhat at peace. He still felt empty, but he was learning to be okay with that.

It was a few days later when Lance had the chance to be able to wander around the village without the help of Chatav. The huts were small and didn’t seem like much. Compared to what was above him, the huts on the ground were simple. Turns out, the villagers really liked to use their space as efficiently as possible. There were more house-like structures in the trees, with bridges connecting them. Seeing the villagers smoothly work their way through the trees was breathtaking to watch.

“Wow,” Lance whispered, in amazement.

Lance didn't notice Chatav come up behind him. Chatav smiled a bit, happy to see that the blue paladin appreciated his home.

“It is simple, when compared to more populous areas,” Chatav said, making Lance jump a little.

“It’s still amazing,” Lance commended. “Why do you have places down on the ground, though?”

“For travelers like you,” Chatav explained. “It is easier for many of our visitors to travel on ground, so we have accommodated for that.”

Lance just nodded. Chatav nodded at him, then let Lance wander some more. After a short time walking, Lance walked back to the hut he was previously staying in.

When he sat again, Lance really started thinking about what all had happened. He knew that there was a slim to none chance of him ever being able to get back to Earth or the Castle of Lions. This planet wasn’t a bad one to live out the rest of his days. The villagers were kind and he could start over. He could start a new life without the pressure of having to save the universe.  
~~  
It was a shock to everyone when the rest of the paladins landed on the jungle planet. The locals were not in any type of distress, and Blue was not putting out any signal. When the villagers went to go greet the other paladins, Lance stayed behind. There was no longer a need to greet the team he was no longer a part of. 

Not long after the paladins arrived in the village, Chatav brought Shiro into Lance’s small room. Lance looked at Shiro with a smile that did not reach his eyes and remained seated. Whether it was the lack of a bond, or being abandoned for almost a month, something broke inside Lance. Something tore who he was straight out of him. Chatav left the two alone.

“Lance, what happened?” Shiro asked quietly.

“I was torn away,” Lance whispered. “When I went through the wormhole, it took away my bond with you and the rest of the paladins. And Blue…my sweet Blue. She’s gone now.”

“Chatav told me how they found you,” Shiro stated. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yeah, I’m doing great Shiro,” Lance replied. “I like it here. A lot. Weather reminds me of home. Which is good, since I’m not going back.”

“Lance, what do you mean you’re not going back home?” Shiro inquired. “You know we were going to attempt to go back to Earth soon.”

Lance then looked at Shiro with his glassy eyes and an empty smile, which unsettled Shiro. A million different emotions passed through Shiro’s face as he realized the implication of Lance’s statement.

“Lance, you are coming back with us. We’ll work through this together,” Shiro pleaded. “We haven’t been able to form Voltron without you. We need you back.” 

“I told you Shiro, everything that made me a paladin is gone now,” Lance whispered, with pain evident in his voice. “You can find someone else.”

“No,” Shiro stated. “We can’t replace you Lance.”

Lance looked at Shiro with pure anger. Standing up, Lance clenched his fists and tilted his head to the side, then laughed. But, oh, how pain filled it was. It was not the usual laughter that came from Lance. This agonized laughter only hinted at the pain Lance had gone through.

“Oh, you will replace me, Shiro,” Lance replied, through gritted teeth. “I’ve lost our bond, and I’ve lost Blue. I cannot rejoin you, brother. Goodbye.”


	2. The Darkest Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance tries to figure out what to do when he doesn't feel himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this chapter took so long to post, but it was a struggle trying to piece it all together and make it sound coherent. It got a little out of hand with the length, too. Whoops. I'll try to post faster next time :)

It had been a hard few weeks without Lance. The rest of the paladins were found not too long after being torn out of the wormhole, but not Lance. For the first few days, the paladins wondered if they just weren’t looking hard enough to find his signal. Maybe it was too weak or maybe they had somehow missed him. Without Lance to break the silence, the quiet that had crept its way into the Castle of Lions was unsettling. The whole team worked themselves to the ground trying to find Lance whenever they were not fighting off the Galran Empire. It was hard to not think that the worst had happened, especially as the days turned into weeks.

And it wasn’t as if the team had stopped looking, because they would never give up on Lance like that. But somehow the search didn’t consume their whole day as time went on. It was too hard to search for something that wasn’t there. The pain that resulted from the paladins not searching for their friend constantly was too much, but it was too hard to speak of.

Allura had suggested that the paladins take a break at peaceful planet. It would be a good chance to build relationships without the threat of battle looming over their heads. Having a chance to relax would hopefully allow the paladins to have some peace of mind. Nobody had expected to hear the news that the blue paladin was on the planet, but for a brief moment they were overjoyed.

When the group was informed about the information the villagers had, they were terrified. Hearing that Lance had lost so much while he was on his own, it broke their hearts. They were a bit confused when Lance was not there to great them when they landed, despite Chatav saying he was able to walk on his own. Shiro volunteered himself to check on the blue paladin first to ensure that he wasn’t alarmed or overwhelmed. Needless to say, it was for the best.

“Lance, what do you mean you can’t?” Shiro replied, confused. “I know you’ve lost so much, but Blue will come back! And I know that the bond will come back soon enough…the wormhole probably just messed with it.”

“You don’t understand!” Lance shouted, making Shiro flinch. “How can I go back if I can’t be a paladin? I’d just be dead weight.”

“Lance,” Shiro warned. “I’m going to go get the rest of the team, okay? I’m going to let them talk to you about what’s going on.”

Lance rolled his eyes and mumbled something incoherently. Shiro then stepped outside of the small hut and brought in the rest of the team. Once the team entered, they were greeted with silence and an empty stare. Hunk reached out to hug his friend, but Shiro held him back and shook his head.

“Lance, repeat what you said to me to the rest of the team,” Shiro ordered softly.

“I’m not going back,” Lance stated.

“But…Lance,” Hunk whispered in confusion.

“How can I go back when everything has been taken from me?” Lance shouted, while stopping a sob from breaking through. “I have lost my bond with you guys and Blue. I feel like the old me has been torn away and honestly…I can’t go back to fighting when I feel like a shell.”

“We can help get that connection back,” Hunk replied, desperately. 

“No, Hunk, this is my problem,” Lance said with authority. “And I will solve it alone.”

“Lance, you can’t do this alone!” Keith pleaded.

Lance turned to Keith with pure rage in his eyes. “Don’t tell me what I can and cannot do alone, Keith. I need to prove to you all that I can do this because you guys never trust me with anything!”

“That’s not true,” Keith whispered.

At that moment Lance laughed, oh how he laughed. Tears started to spill from his eyes, but they were tears of anger. Anger that his team, even now, couldn’t trust him to mend himself on his own. It was settled now. Lance could not be with the team, at least until he healed. He wiped his tears away before speaking again.

“I’m sorry, Keith, but I need to do this alone,” Lance whispered. “You can’t help me heal. That’s not your job.”

“But we can help!” Hunk exclaimed.

Then Lance felt something creeping up in the back in his mind. At first, he couldn’t tell what it was. The feeling was so foreign…and faint. Lance closed his eyes and tried to pick up on what was happening. The more he let the feeling spread, the more familiar it felt. It was still weak, but something about it just seemed like home. Then Lance’s eyes shot. It was Blue.

“She’s back,” Lance whispered softly. “She’s back!”

Lance could no longer contain his relief. As sobs began to escape his body, he knew that she was finally back. He was so happy she was alive, but at the same time, he was so heartbroken that he wasn’t there to see her wake. Hunk went to hug his friend, but Lance quickly shoved him away. He then gave Hunk a strange look. Despite feeling Blue come back online, he could still not feel the paladin bond.

“Lance…” Hunk said, with uncertainty creeping in his voice.

“I need to see her,” Lance said. “Alone.”

Hunk went to say something, but again, Shiro held his shoulder. Shiro knew that Lance needed to spend some time alone with Blue. Lance awkwardly walked past the team and went to Blue. It was only a short walk, thankfully, because he couldn’t wait much longer to be back with his lion.

When he came through the brush, Lance saw that Blue’s eyes were faintly glowing again. Lance ran up to her and started bawling. She hummed happily in the back of his head, happy that she was reunited with her paladin. Suddenly, a sharp pain pulsed through Lance’s head, making him look up at Blue again.

“How bad is it?” Lance whispered.

Blue let out a small groan, but mentally indicated she would just need some time to rest. Lance smiled and let out a sigh of relief. She was going to be okay. Something felt a bit off, though. He thought that if he got Blue back, along with his bond with her, he might feel the paladin bond again. But the back of his mind still felt slightly empty. Blue, sensing Lance’s distress, sent out a calming sensation to him.

“Sorry, girl, I’m still a little lost,” Lance mumbled. “Once you get well enough to fly again, we’ll go.”

Blue hummed with excitement. She was more than excited to be back out with her paladin, flying again. Lance didn’t have the heart to tell her that they wouldn’t be going back with the team, though. He couldn’t go back with them, not when he still didn’t complete. But that talk could easily wait until later.

Eventually, Lance made his way back to the village, reassuring Blue that he would be back soon. He knew he still needed to convince the team that he needed time to heal and figure everything out. There was no way he could do that since the team always seemed to hover. 

When Lance returned, Chatav told Lance that they had gone to the beach. Sighing, he walked over and saw the team lounging about, laughing together. A twinge of pain went through his chest. Seeing them so happy together made Lance realize that they could easily get along without him. Lance being gone would cause them no trouble, especially since they had managed thus far.

“Um,” Lance said, a little louder than he anticipated.

The team looked over at him, and froze. Maybe they weren’t expecting him. Or maybe they didn’t want Lance to be there at all. Slowly the team relaxed and sat down next to each other, expecting Lance to speak.

“Blue’s gonna be okay,” Lance stated. “She just needs some time to heal and gain some energy after that. But, uh, after she’s done healing…we’re gonna leave for a little bit.”

“Lance,” Hunk said, with a pleading tone.

Pidge then glared at Hunk in a way telling him to be quiet, so Lance could fully explain himself. Hunk’s shoulders sunk a little.

“Look, I’ve been here for almost a month. I thought everything that mattered to me was taken away,” Lance said, with sadness. “It’s been hard to recover from that, especially when it all comes back to you in such a short amount of time. I need time to heal and get back into the right mindset. And honestly, I can’t do that with you all around.”

“It’s not good for you to be alone during such a difficult time,” Allura replied, worried. “It would help to have some company.”

Lance’s smile twitched a little. “I’m sorry princess, but it won’t. I need some time, okay? I’ll return Blue soon.”

Shiro sighed. He knew that if they dragged Lance back with them, there would be nothing but resentment in his heart. Nothing good would be accomplished by going against his wishes, no matter how much it pained the rest of the team. Lance would come back in his own time, whether it was to stay with with the team or to return his lion.

“Okay, Lance, if that’s what you need,” Shiro whispered. “I don’t want you coming back before you’re ready. You’ll always be welcomed back.”

Lance looked over to Shiro and nodded his head solemnly. He knew that the rest of the team would listen to Shiro. At that moment, the rest of the team looked to Shiro in confusion, knowing that not too long ago, he was trying his hardest to get Lance back. But in reality, Shiro knew better than any of them that Lance needed his space.

“Thank you, Shiro,” Lance said. “If you don’t mind me, I’m going back to Blue.”

And that was the last the paladins saw of him for almost two weeks. Nobody really knew where he went once he took off with Blue a few days later. Everyone was worried that Lance would never come back, but there was nothing they could really do now. Lance had turned off all possible communication with the team, so there was nothing they could do.

Lance, now at that point, was just soaring through space, passing by planets that the paladins had just saved or had diplomatic meetings with. He never strayed too far, but made sure that the team wouldn’t pick up on the fact that he was nearby. While he was with Blue, he thought long and hard about what he wanted.

The paladin bond was still gone, but he was still connected to Blue. Lance knew he had to stick around because Blue still wanted him. But it didn’t seem to make much sense to him. Why was he not able to reconnect with the other paladins? Was it because they didn’t want him anymore?

When Lance thought about it, it made perfect sense why he could no longer feel the bond. He served little to no purpose for the team anymore. All Lance really contributed was his ability to pilot Blue. Blue hummed in disagreement, but Lance pushed the thought to the side. He knew that he didn’t contribute that much. The other paladins had their own defining strengths…but Lance was pretty sure he didn’t have one.

Lance wasn’t sure how long he and Blue flew around the universe, following the Castle of Lions. But at some point, Blue convinced him to talk to the other paladins in an attempt to tell them about his uncertainty of returning. There had to be some hope if Lance hadn’t stopped following the castle. Lance sighed, but knew that she had a point. 

When Lance turned on his communications again, it was a shock to everyone. It was an even bigger shock when it turned out Lance was not that far away. The team was more than surprised when Lance requested to land Blue in her hanger again. But of course, they agreed. Lance was finally back.

The team wasn’t really sure what to expect when Lance came walking back into the castle. But they were not expecting to see the blue paladin looking just as empty as when he had left them a couple of weeks ago. He had his usual glow back, but the light heartedness in his eyes was gone, along with the laugh that was always waiting to erupt from his mouth.

“Welcome back, bud,” Hunk whispered, happily.

Lance smiled a little, but it quickly disappeared, only to be replaced by a frown. He looked at the team, with searching eyes. It was like he was searching for an answer to something they could not give. Silence filled the room, leaving everyone a little unsure of how to act.

“Hunk, can we talk? Alone?” Lance said quietly. “In…in my room.”

“Uh, yeah! Of course!” Hunk enthusiastically replied. 

A few minutes later, the two were awkwardly sitting on the edge of Lance’s bed. In all honesty, Lance didn’t know where to start. He wasn’t even really sure he knew where he wanted the conversation to end up. But Lance knew he needed to talk to someone. Someone who really knew him.

“I don’t even know where to start,” Lance whispered.

“How about you start from when you got torn out of the wormhole,” Hunk suggested.

Lance sighed, and then started telling his story. “It was terrible, Hunk. I felt like everything was being torn out of me and it consumed me. It’s still consuming me, even now. I…I don’t know what to do anymore.”

Hunk sighed and proceeded to rub Lance’s shoulder. Lance stares straight ahead at the door, no emotion reaching his eyes. 

“And I still can’t feel the paladin bond anymore,” Lance said. “It’s still gone, but Blue’s still in the back of my head. She hasn’t left me yet.”

There’s no way Hunk could understand the pain Lance was going through, but he would always be there to listen. Whatever Lance needed, Hunk would be there to help.

“Lance, we haven’t left you either!” Hunk exclaimed.

Lance snorted and looked over at Hunk. The look he gave Hunk could have easily killed him. Hunk had never seen someone so broken in his whole life. Lance’s eyes were filled with absolute pain, making his heart break. Standing up again, Lance turned his back to Hunk and continued to look at the wall.

“I have never felt so alone in my life, Hunk,” Lance said, sadness coming through. “Losing the bond couldn’t have been all my fault. There must been some mistrust on your end for this to happen. I’m sorry, Hunk, but I’m not ready to come back yet and go save the universe. Not yet, anyways.”

Silent tears start falling from Lance’s eyes. It had been so hard being around the team and feeling so empty. He wasn’t sure what was wrong anymore and he just wanted everything to be fixed. He was so tired of feeling broken and useless, but he wasn’t sure where to start to finally heal himself. It was definitely for the best that Lance took some more time to try and figure out what was going on in his head.

“You know, we’re always going to be here for you, Lance,” Hunk said. “No matter what, we will wait for you.”

Sighing, Lance turned back to Hunk. He wasn’t sure if Hunk or the rest of the team understood what he was going through. Lance then decided might not ever come back to the team, no matter how much they were hoping for him to. 

“Hunk, I don’t think I’m going to be coming back from this. I’m too far gone. I think while I’m healing, you need to look for a different blue paladin,” Lance explained. “I’m a complete mess and I’m falling apart. I just don’t think that you or the rest of the team should wait around for me to get better because I don’t know if I will.”

“I think you should talk to Shiro about this,” Hunk said softly. “He’s the best person to talk to about all of this.”

Lance nods knowingly. Shiro would be the best person to tell about his desire of leaving. Not that the rest of the team needed to know that yet. He was hoping to make a clean getaway. Hunk softly grabs Lance’s shoulder and gives him a kind look. It broke Lance’s heart a little that he might never see his best friend again, but if healing meant leaving him forever…Lance would learn to make peace with it. He needed to feel whole again and that feeling could not be given to him by being with his best friend.

It wasn’t until after dinner that Lance had the guts to knock on Shiro’s door. He wasn’t really sure how to act or what to say to the older paladin, but he knew that Lance needed to talk to him. Only a few seconds later, Shiro opened the door and ushered Lance in. Lance stood awkwardly by the door, again feeling unsure of himself.

“Hunk told me I should come talk to you,” Lance whispered, awkwardly.

“Well, that’s good. Are you ready to talk?” Shiro asked, concern filling his voice.

“Yeah, I think so,” Lance answered. “Do you, uh, mind if I sit?”

Shiro shook his head, so Lance sat at the end of the bed. Lance put his face in his hands, mulling over where to start. There was so much to say that he wasn’t sure where to start. Thankfully, Shiro let him sit in comfortable silence, letting him think.

“I was so scared when I was torn away from Blue, Shiro,” Lance started. “I’ve never felt so…empty before. It’s like the bond became a part of me and now that part of it is missing, I can’t be myself anymore. I think I just need more time to figure everything out and staying here isn’t helping. All of this is just reminding me that I am no longer a part of the team.”

“Lance, you are a part of the team,” Shiro stated. “We can work on forming the bond again, just like we did when we first got here.”

“It’s not going to be that easy and you know it Shiro,” Lance spat. “I can’t be a part of the team when I don’t even feel like I belong anymore. I’m not worthy of protecting the universe anymore and it’s time for you to find someone else.”

“Look, life is never about feeling worthy or being ready for everything all the time,” Shiro explained. “Nobody can handle that, not even me. In the end, life is just about doing what’s right when the time comes and that’s when you’ll realize you’re worth more than you ever knew.”

“Well, I think it’s time for me to leave, Shiro,” Lance said, with utter conviction. “I…I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry.”

Shiro sighed, but nodded slowly. Lance would be no use if he didn’t even want to be there anymore. It hurt to know that he couldn’t do anything for the younger paladin, but Shiro recognized that Lance needed to heal, and if that meant him leaving…then so be it. It broke Shiro’s heart knowing he was going to allow Lance to leave, but keeping him around and forcing something upon him was cruel. There was still a huge part of Shiro that believed Lance would come back, though. He had too. 

“So, how are you oing to travel?” Shiro asked.

“I…I don’t know. I think I’m going to ask Blue to drop me off somewhere, and see what happens from there,” Lance whispered. “Maybe she can drop me off with Chatav. I liked it there.”

Shiro nods, his breath shaking. It was hard losing Lance like this, especially seeing how broken he was. He never wanted to lose a paladin, especially when they had just found Lance again. There was a pain in Lance’s heart that nobody would ever understand and Lance needed to heal in his own way. With regret, Shiro hugged Lance before sending the blue paladin out of his room. Lance then stepped out the door for what could be the last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise there will be more Pidge and Keith in the next chapter!


	3. Secret Thorns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance finally tells the rest of the team he's leaving for good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And 5 million years later, there's finally a new chapter. University has been a bitch, especially since I've started research for an undergrad thesis. I'll try to post the 4th chapter soon since I'm on break, but I can't make any promises.

Lance was crying as he made his way to Blue. He really didn’t want to leave, but he felt like there was no choice except for him to go. This ultimately was what he wanted, but it just didn’t feel right. Maybe it just felt wrong because the other paladins wanted Lance back so badly. It was the first time he felt appreciated, but he figured that his head screwing with him as a result.

When he reached Blue, who was curled up in her hanger, Lance sat down next to her. She shifted a little to get a better look at her paladin and sent calming waves towards him once she felt his sadness. Sighing, Lance hugged his knees and stared forward. There were so many conflicting emotions passing through him that he just felt like shutting down again.

“Blue, I don’t know what it is, but I don’t quite feel at home here anymore,” Lance whispered, his voice hoarse. “I mean, it was never quite home in the first place, but it feels different now. Whenever I’m walking through the hallways, I just feel odd, you know? But I feel like I belong with you, though. You still feel like home to me.”

Blue hummed happily at that statement, but Lance still felt worried undertones. It was true, though. She still felt like home, just as she did before the wormhole. But this castle, even with the short amount of time he’s been back on board, felt slightly hostile. Somehow, it was like the castle was rejecting his own essence. 

“You know, when I was out there healing myself, I think it broke me emotionally to a point where I can’t come back from that. Feeling completely abandoned does weird things to you. Everything has just felt off kilter not being able to connect to anyone, you know?” Lance explained. “I don’t wanna leave you again, but I don’t I should be out there trying to save the universe. I’m not that guy anymore, Blue.”

Blue told him that she wouldn’t let him go, that she wouldn’t allow herself to be torn away from him again. No matter what, they were still a team and she would wait for him no matter what. Lance starting crying again, unsure of what to do. He knew his best course of action would be to leave everything behind, including Blue. But something inside him was telling him to not give up yet. Lance scoffed at the idea, but he knew there was a reason why he was having his doubts.

“I think I’m going to talk to Allura,” Lance said softly. “Maybe she knows what’s going on.”

Blue hummed quietly, sending Lance some calming waves. He knew something was up if he was able to connect to Blue so well and not feel his paladin bond at all. Lance thought it was just his time to leave as his invasive thoughts filled his head. He tried so hard to push them back, but they were never truly going to leave.

After wandering for a while, Lance found Allura in the control room, thankfully by herself. Lance coughed a little to let her that know he was present. When Allura turned around, she seemed a little shocked to see Lance there. She didn’t expecte Lance to come talk to her since they were never extremely close before the wormhole. 

“Hey, Allura,” Lance mumbled. “I was wondering if I could talk to you about some stuff.”

“Yes, of course, Lance. You know I’m always here for you,” Allura said comfortingly. 

“I’ve been thinking and I’m pretty I know what I want to do,” Lance whispered. “I mean, in regards to the team and everything. I just want to run the idea past you and see what you think of it.”

Allura looked confused as Lance began to talk. She wasn’t aware that Lance was going to really do anything besides working on the paladin bond, so she wasn’t really sure what he meant. In a way, Lance didn’t really know what he meant, but he knew what he needed to do.

“I think I’m going to leave the team…permanently,” Lance explained. “I need to go home and find my place in the universe again. This place just isn’t home for me anymore and I feel so weird being here. It doesn’t feel right not being able to connect to the team and I don’t think that everyone needs to wait around for me while I figure my head out. You guys need someone who will be able to form Voltron immediately and I can’t help with that.”

“Lance…this is not just your own decision to make,” Allura said. “You can’t just leave the team like this. We need you to be here with us.”

“Allura, you don’t understand,” Lance exclaimed. “I can’t handle feeling like I don’t belong here anymore! This castle isn’t home for me and I can’t act like myself right now, which is why you all don’t need me. I can’t be what you want me to be and I am truly sorry for that. But…I just need to go home.”

“Lance…just give it some more time, I promise we can work this out together,” Allura pleaded. “I will do everything in my power to help make you feel better.”

“Allura, you know as well I do that we don’t have that kind of time with Zarkon,” Lance said. “You don’t need to waste time on a lost cause.”

“Well, you seem awfully set on your choice,” Allura murmured. “If I cannot change your mind, you must talk with the other paladins at dinner and let them know of your plans.”

Lance nodded. “Thank you, princess. For everything. I will let you know when I plan on leaving.”

As Lance left the room, Allura let out a sad sigh. Although she understood why he wanted to leave, it was hard not being able to help him. He was reaching out for help, but she wasn’t sure how to truly make him feel better. That was the reason why she suggested that he should talk to the rest of the team since they shared such a strong bond.

Lance continued to walk towards his room in an attempt to craft a small speech that he would give during dinner that night. Pidge managed to catch him wandering the hallways and decided to join him. She nudged him a bit so she could alert Lance of her presence, to which he gave her a small smile.

“Hey, Pidge,” Lance greeted softly. “How are you?”

“Good,” Pidge answered. “I’m happy that you’re back. We all missed you here.”

“That’s good to hear,” Lance replied awkwardly.

“How are you, though?” Pidge asked.

“I don’t really know,” Lance whispered. “I’ve just been feeling really confused, I guess. I know you guys want me around, but I don’t really fit in all that much. I’m just not back to my normal self yet.”

“It’s going to take some time, you know,” Pidge said. “Healing isn’t just going to happen overnight.”

“I know,” Lance answered. “It’s just so hard to heal here in the castle, I guess. I’ve just had this urge to recover as quickly as possible to get back on my feet right away. But to be honest, I’m not totally sure I can do that here, Pidge.”

Pidge frowned and grabbed Lance’s arm, making him stop. Lance turned to Pidge, sighing. She gave him a tight hug and patted his back. Awkwardly, Lance hugged her back, unsure of what to do. After the hug had ended, Pidge stepped back a little.

“Look, Lance, we all want you to get better and stay with us. But we obviously can’t force you to do anything since that would just be unfair to you,” Pidge explained. “If you feel like you need to go, then go. I’ll understand.”

Lance nodded. “I’ll let you know at dinner tonight, okay?”

Pidge nodded and let Lance continue down the hallway towards his room. He knew Pidge and the rest of the team cared about him a lot, which only made his decision so much harder. But he knew that for once in his life, he needed to put of himself first. Regardless, it was a painful choice to make. 

When he reached his room, Lance saw Keith walking out of his room. Keith then awkwardly stood while looking back at Lance. Both of hem weren’t sure of what to do. Sighing, Lance sagged back a little. He wanted to talk to Keith, but he unsure of what to say. To Lance, it had felt like he had explained himself way to many times.

“Lance, you don’t have to talk if you don’t want to,” Keith said gently. “I’m sure you’ve had to explain yourself to the team more times than you want to admit. Reliving everything can be difficult.”

“It’s hard, Keith,” Lance whispered. “I want to put myself first, but I feel like it’s the wrong time to do so.”

“You’ve done a lot for us,” Keith replied. “Shiro told me that you might want to leave the team. None of us want you to do that. We all care for you, but we also understand that it might not be the best for you to stick around.”

“I know, everyone has told me that,” Lance said. “But I can’t help but think it’s the wrong choice.”

“Well, we’ll still be here Lance,” Keith said. “If you ever change your mind, we’ll welcome you back with open arms.”

“But by that point, wouldn’t you have already found a different blue paladin?” Lance asked.

“I don’t know, but you will always be able to come back, okay?” Keith answered firmly.

Lance nodded and replied, “Thanks, Keith. I’ll see you at dinner.”

Keith nodded, patted Lance on the back, and continued down the hallway. Somehow, Keith had a gut feeling that Lance would end up leaving. But he couldn’t blame him for needing to leave. It’s hard enough to fight in a war when you know what you want and are totally sure of yourself. 

Several hours passed before the paladins gathered for dinner. Lance kept staring at his green goo, unsure of how to start any type of conversation. Any time Lance thought about it, he kept feeling guilty about his choice, even though he knew that in his heart, there was nothing else he could do. 

Sighing, Lance looked over to the rest of the team and started talking. “Well, I’m sure you all know that I want to leave. I’m scared to even say that, but it’s what I need to do. I can’t keep fighting like this, not when my heart isn’t in it. Before the wormhole, I was okay with the fact that I was going to be out here in space for a while…but something changed after that. Being without you all changed me. And I feel like I can’t heal fully while I’m fighting a war.”

“Lance, are you sure leaving all of this…all of us…is what you really need to do?” Keith asked softly.

Lance nodded. “I think before all of this happened, you all were slowly becoming home for me. But losing the connection and dealing with the complete isolation changed everything. Now I don’t know what you, or this place, means to me.”

“You will always be family, Lance,” Shiro stated. “And being family means that we understand if you can’t do this anymore. If you think that this will make everything worse…”

Lance started bawling as he started speaking again. “I…I don’t want to leave you guys, but everything is screaming at me to go. I have my doubts about it, but I have to go.”

Hunk then hugged Lance tightly and whispered, “I don’t want to lose you again, Lance. Not again. But I understand if you need to go.”

Lance held onto Hunk tightly as he sobbed. Leaving was so hard when he knew his friends didn’t want to let him go, but some space is exactly what he needed. Blue sent out calming waves to her paladin, trying to give him some reassurance and letting him know that she would always be with him. As Lance’s sobs started to slow down, he could feel hesitation in the air. He knew that the team did not want to let him leave.

“Please, let me go,” Lance murmured.

“Lance, you have to understand that we are concerned for you and your safety,” Coran said. “I don’t want to see you leave, but if you are so insistent on it…”

“I appreciate that,” Lance replied. “But I am in as much danger here as I am anywhere else. I am…or was, a paladin of Voltron. My head will always be on the chopping block. I accepted that a while ago. But you can find someone else to pilot Blue.”

Blue let out a loud, angry roar at this, making all the paladins wince. She would not let Lance go. She was his, as he was hers. Lance would be hers until the day he died. There would be no other paladin to fly her as long as he breathed. Lance smiled a bit, before continuing on.

“I know it might be hard, and it might be weird for a while, but I’m sure you’ll find someone else,” Lance said. “I can easily be replaced. There will always be someone who is accepting and open and kind. And I’ll make sure to send Blue back as soon as I can, okay? I’m not sure if she’ll listen, though.”

Lance then stood up and looked at the team with sadness in his eyes before he started to leave the dining room. This was not as easy as he had hoped, but it was necessary. The rest of the team ran over and enveloped him in their arms. Nobody wanted to see Lance go, but somewhere deep in their hearts, they knew they would see him again someday.


	4. Radio Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance leaves and decides to come back on his own terms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for taking a hiatus on this fic! It was a mixture of being busy and uninspired. Any time I wrote this chapter, I would delete chunks of it and rewrite it, so finally I took a break from it to really take a breather.

Lance was sitting in Blue, both still inside the hanger. He knew he needed to leave sooner or later, but he wasn’t sold on where to go. Heading back to Earth and being reunited with his family seemed like the obvious choice, but something about it just didn’t feel right to Lance. Even going back to the world he crash landed on felt weird, even though he knew he would be welcomed with open arms there. Maybe he could stop there to talk to Chatatv about this whole mess.

Blue comforted him and suggested that they simply fly while Lance thought about what to do next. It was better than any of the other ideas Lance had, so he agreed. Maybe flying around would clear his head. He now had a lot to think about and many decisions to make.

Besides deciding where to end up, Lance needed to make up his mind about being the Blue Paladin. No matter how much he wanted to drop the radio silence, something deep in his heart kept telling him otherwise. Blue tried to explain to him that it was because he was the only one who was worthy of being her paladin. There would be a day where he would be able to step down, but today was not that day.

Lance wasn’t so sure about that, but he went along with it. He knew that Blue didn’t want him to go and when he really thought about it, he wasn’t so sure he wanted to either. Finally, after having Blue just coast around for what felt a brief amount of time, Lance told Blue to go back to Chatav. Maybe he would be able to help Lance heal beyond any physical means.

~ ~ ~

It had been several days since Lance had left the castle and the emptiness he had left behind was different than before. In the past, the paladins knew that they would find Lance again and that he would come back to them. But now everything was up in the air when it came to Lance. They weren’t sure when Lance would return at all. As a result, they were reassuring themselves several times a day that they had made the right choice by letting Lance leave, but now nothing felt quite right.

At breakfast one morning, Hunk decided to break the silence about Lance. “Guys…do you really think he’s gonna come back? I know Lance is, like, all over the place, but when he wants to stick to something, he’ll break before bending.”

“I’m not so sure, Hunk,” Shiro whispers. “I want him to come back…I think we all do, but it’s all going to depend on whether or not Lance feels like he’s earned the label of the Blue Paladin. He talks big game, we all know that, but he’s also pretty insecure.”

The group sat in silence for a few more minutes before Hunk decided to speak up. “Allura…are we really going to have to find a new Blue Paladin?”

“I…yes. If he does not come back to us soon. I wish I could give you a better answer than that,” Allura answered. “Although it will be hard if Blue does not want to find a new paladin or if she does not want to leave Lance. But I am sure Lance would not be so selfish as to keep her when he does not want the title.”

Hunk nodded before he silently started crying. It was not the first time he had shed tears since Lance had left, but it was the first time he was crying in front of the rest of the group. Just hearing Allura state what he knew would eventually happen if Lance did not come back was very painful.

Quietly, Allura began to reassure Hunk. “I did not know Lance like you did Hunk. Regardless, Lance is a good man and I know that he will make the right decision. He was strong enough to leave the team when he knew that he could not continue fighting. And…it feels wrong not having him around to fill our silence, but we will adjust and we will become stronger over time. If Lance decides to come back to us, then our bond will be stronger because he will be truly invested in our fight.”

Hunk nodded and rubbed his eyes. “Thanks Allura. I’m just worried about him. I know he probably won’t go back to Earth, but I don’t know if he’ll be able to manage on his own.”

“Lance is an idiot, but we have a lot of friends out in the universe who will help him,” Keith replied softly. “And it’s not like Blue would leave him unguarded in enemy territory. Wherever he chooses to go…he’ll be safe, Hunk. I know it.”

Hunk smiled briefly. “I think I’m gonna go…tinker around or something. I gotta…I…yeah.”

Pidge sighed. “I’ll go join him. Make sure he-we-don’t think too much about Lance. I wasn’t as close to him as Hunk was, being childhood friends and all, but he was still a friend. I miss him a lot, too.”

~ ~ ~

When Lance landed on the tropical planet, he felt worried about what Chatav would say about him leaving the paladins. But he knew that he wouldn’t have come here to for advice if he thought Chatav might tear him down. Blue also seemed comforted by coming back here, as the aliens that inhabited this planet were fairly peaceful.

Once Lance walked out of Blue, he was quickly greeted by Chatav and several others. Smiling briefly, he walked over to them and nodded. Chatav didn’t ask any questions, but rather lead Lance to a large hut with a table in the middle of the room. Signaling Lance to sit down, Chatav and the others sat.

As Lance sat down, he asked, “So, uh, what’s going on?”

“We sensed that something was wrong when you were the only paladin to come down to our planet, especially as we did not send a distress signal,” Chatav explained. “And it was odd for you to be the one to come down. What troubles you, my child?”

“I…” Lance whispered. “I decided I couldn’t be part of Voltron any more. I no longer feel a bond with the other paladins and I have decided it would be the best if I left.”  
“And the rest of Voltron? What did they have to say to this?” Chatav inquired.

“They understood, but they weren’t very happy about it,” Lance answered. “I felt like coming here was the best immediate decision. Something about going back to Earth didn’t feel right to me.”

“It is because you are not quite done, Lance,” Chatav replied. “But maybe the big battles are no longer where you want to be. We will always welcome your help here, as our underground forces could always use new information.”

“You guys have fighters here?” Lance asked, slightly shocked. “I mean, I guess it makes sense since you guys haven’t been taken over yet, but still. We never knew.”

“And it is best if less know of our battle,” Chatav said. “We do not need any chance of this information leaking to the Galra.”

Lance nodded. “I’ll be happy to help here. It feels like the right move. Let me talk about it to Blue really quick.”

Chatav nodded. In all honesty, Lance wasn’t positive that this was the best decision, but an opportunity that wasn’t half bad had just presented itself…and well, he wasn’t about to outright refuse it. He now just needed to convince Blue to go back to the castle and let him do his own thing. As nice as it would be to have her around to help, Lance couldn’t keep Blue here on a clear conscious. The rest of his team (or rather old team) would need her to find a new paladin to form Voltron.

When Lance reached Blue, he sat down and leaned up against one of her paws. She hummed quietly, filling Lance with an uncertain confidence. Lance fiddled with his fingers a bit before he decided to talk.

“Blue, I know you don’t want to leave me,” Lance said. “But I want to stay here with Chatav for a while and help him fight. I think this is where I want to be for a little while. I want to keep fighting to help the universe, but not on the scale that I have been, you know? It’s too much for me, I think. Something smaller might work better.”

Blue flooded Lance with immense worry and undertones of anger. Lance knew this was a lot to ask of her, but she needed to understand that he needed to recover, whether that was to prove himself or just get away.

“Look, I know this isn’t easy,” Lance whispered. “I don’t want you to go either. But you would attract too much attention. You would be safer with the others. I would love for you to find a new paladin, but I can’t make you do that either.”

Blue communicated that she didn’t want to leave him, not after being torn away like that. Lance understood her, but he tried to reason it out. 

“Blue, we’ll still be connected even if you leave me here, right?” Lance asked.

Blue hummed in affirmation, curling her tail around her paladin.

“Well…if I change my mind, I’ll call you back. But for now, I need to do this on my own,” Lance explained. “At least if you were back at the castle, you could let the others know that I’m okay. I’m fighting a different battle now. A smaller one, but just as worthy.”

Blue let Lance know that she was uneasy with this idea. I don’t want to be apart from you, my darling.

“I don’t want us to be apart either, but I think I just need time, Blue. My brain needs to get back in the right mindset,” Lance whispered. “I’ll call you when I’m ready to go home.”

At this point, Lance wasn’t sure if home meant the castle or Earth, but he figured he would know when the time came. Blue shifted and stood up. She conveyed that she would go back to the castle, but made no promises to cooperate with what they would want from her.

“I wouldn’t expect any less, Blue,” Lance laughed. “I’ll see you soon, okay?”

Blue nodded and flew back to the castle.

~ ~ ~

Hunk was woken up by Yellow in his head, telling him that Blue had come back to the castle. Immediately, Hunk was throwing clothes on and ran down to Blue’s hangar. Apparently, everyone else had gotten the same message. Blue had laid down and had gone into stasis.

“Um, guys, did Lance get out of Blue?” Hunk asked worriedly.

“No, there’s no sign of Lance,” Keith answered bluntly. “She must have dropped him off somewhere.”

“But why would she willingly leave Lance behind if he was her paladin?” Allura whispered, concerned. 

The other lions had then conveyed to their paladins what little they could pick up from Blue. All they knew was that Lance had gone to some planet and told Blue he would call to her again when he was ready to come back. However, there was no clear answer as to whether or not he was coming back.

“Oh, Lance, I hope you know what you’re doing,” Hunk whispered to himself.

~ ~ ~

“Letting go hurt a lot,” Lance explained. “But eventually I learned to let go of them. I’ve settled in here and this is home now. Your battle is now mine.”

“I realize that Lance, but do you not wonder if your team is worried about you? It has been what you call ‘months’ since you have spoken to them,” Chatav replied, worried.

Lance grimaced. “Look, I know I should have said something in the beginning. But like you said, it’s been months since I’ve had contact with them. I think they’ve taken the hint to just give up on me. Obviously they didn’t bother to check the most obvious places for me if they needed me back.”

Chatav frowned. The two of them have been having this argument a lot in recent weeks. It was not as if Chatav didn’t appreciate all of Lance’s help because he had been absolutely amazing with at fighting. In his heart, though, he did not like the feeling of keeping the blue paladin away from the rest of Voltron. Blue was still connected to Lance, though, so clearly no one had taken his place.

“I understand that,” Chatav said calmly. “But just think it over. They have not been able to form Voltron without you. In the end, they will need you more than we ever will. Our fight will never be over if the Galra are not overthrown.”

Lance nodded curtly and stalked off to his hut. Chatav sighed and sat down. He would not force the paladin to leave, but Lance needed to understand that it was okay to leave now. The people had learned enough from him that it would be safe for him to leave now before the healers could not bring him back. At least with the other paladins, they had far more advanced technology that could heal the grave injuries.

After a few days, Lance had requested to speak with Chatav. The paladin seemed to be lost in thought when Chatav arrived to his hut. 

“Lance, what is it you wish to speak about?” Chatav asked softly.

“Oh, hey, Chatav,” Lance whispered. “I was, uh, thinking about what we’ve been discussing recently. I’ve, uh, been talking to Blue about it also. She’s convinced me that it’s time to go back. The team has been getting hit harder now that the Galra know they’re down a lion. Everything has been dealt with so far…but I couldn’t live with myself if one of them died. There's already enough death on my hands.”

Chatav frowned at the comment, but continued on. “But are you ready to go back? I know that it is for the greater good that you return, but if you are unwilling, that can be detrimental to team dynamics.”

“I…I don’t know. But I ran away from them, Chatav. I ran away without explaining anything,” Lance replied. “I didn’t want to heal with them. I thought it was something I could do on my own. But the fact that I’m still not better says a lot.”

“Well, I am proud to say that I was able to work with you, Lance,” Chatav said. “You will always be welcomed here. This planet is a place you can always come to get away from it all.”  
Lance smiled, tears swelling in his eyes. “Thank you. I promise I’ll visit when I can.”

When Chatav left, Lance closed his eyes and told Blue, “It’s time for me to go back, girl.”

~ ~ ~

Blue awakened, immediately alerting the rest of the lions. She had felt her paladin call to her…calling her to let her know that he was ready to go home. She quickly flew out of the hangar, ignoring the calls of the other lions. There was no time to waste.

Lance was waiting for her right where she had previously dropped him off. He had a small smile on his face and stood there in full paladin armor. She sang with happiness, as it was one of the few times she had felt genuine happiness coming from her paladin.

~ ~ ~

“Uh…guys? Blue is gone,” Pidge yelled over comms.

Everyone scrambled down to Blue’s hangar and stood there in silence for a minute. 

“Red is telling me that she’s coming back with Lance,” Keith whispered.

Only a few minutes later, Blue rushed into the hanger, then slowly opened her mouth. Lance walked out slowly, waving awkwardly to the rest of the team. A small smile appeared on his face as he faced the group.

“So, uh, hey guys. I finally made it back home,” Lance said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I promise that I'll explain what happened in those months Lance was away in the last chapter!!!!) (also come talk to me on tumblr @ numendil)


	5. Not Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance comes back home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I am so sorry for abandoning this work for so long. I was not in a good place for a long time and this just fell to the wayside. It's pretty shitty for me to leave it hanging, and I do really apologize for that. Second of all, thank you for reading this final chapter! I'm hoping to write more once life calms down a bit more for me, which should be at the end of the month! If you want more from me, feel free to comment any suggestions!

“Lance…” Hunk whispered, choking up a bit.

Lance gave a small smile, standing awkwardly by Blue. She sent him calming waves, saying that she was still there and if it was all too much, they could leave again. Sighing, Lance sat down by Blue and looked at the group sadly. This wasn't going to be an easy conversation, but he knew he needed to at least start somewhere. 

“So, um, where do we start, huh?” Lance asked softly.

“You don’t need to talk now, Lance,” Shiro replied. “Let’s get some food first.”

Lance nodded and silently followed the group to the dining hall. He knew that one of the first questions he would be asked about would be about the scars. There was no good way of hiding them, despite his best efforts. They were treated as well as they could have been, but sometimes, there were worse injuries that needed to be tended to. Silence filled the first part of the meal. Lance wasn’t sure where to start and the rest of the group didn’t want to upset Lance too much. 

“Um, as much as I appreciate you guys not asking me a lot of questions, I just want to get this over with,” Lance stated eventually. 

Lance could feel the tension in the group. Nobody wanted to ask the wrong thing or be the one to push him too far. Even without knowing what exactly happened, they all knew there was a lot of pain involved.

Shiro nodded and asked, “Where do you wanna start?”

It was a safe start and not much to go off of, but at least it was something.

“Well…I guess why I decided to stay with Chatav,” Lance said, unsure of himself. He didn't want to push himself or anyone else too far. “He said that they had their own resistance fighters. It made sense to join them…their battle scared me less than the one we have here. There was less pressure to be somebody amazing and always stand out, you know? It was something that I felt confident supporting because it was where I felt like a better fit. I felt more useful over there…and valued, so I stayed.”

“Is that why you left in the first place?” Hunk inquired, slightly hurt at Lance’s explanation.

“I think that’s part of the reason,” Lance answered honestly. “I needed to figure out where I fit into all of this. I just never got why I mattered to the team, you know? At least there they listened more. Not that you guys were bad or anything, but things just felt…different there. I mean, I don’t really know where I fit in here still, but I feel better about what I’m capable of now. They let me develop more, I guess.”

“What made you come back then?” Hunk whispered.

“It was when Chatav said that our fight was bigger than the one they had there and you all were struggling without Voltron,” Lance replied. “I guess I couldn’t live with the fact that I would be the reason one of you could have gotten killed. It was more the guilt at first, I suppose. I missed the castle and everyone, too, but that wasn’t strong enough to pull me back at first.”

There was more silence while everyone finished their meals. The team didn’t want to push Lance further, as he already talked more than they expected him to. But there was still something nagging at them, like there something big he wasn’t telling them. It was something bigger than self-doubt and guilt, but nobody knew how to pose the question.

“There was something else, too,” Lance murmured. “I almost died out there. It’s where I got a lot of these scars from…healing them wasn’t their first priority.”

“Lance…you don’t have to talk about it,” Keith said, reaching out to squeeze Lance’s shoulder. 

Everyone knew the implications of what Lance was talking about here. Battle was never easy, especially when somebody was on the front lines. Some wounds were never going to heal, not matter the effort that was put into it. 

Lance smiled sadly and shook his head. “You all deserve to know. And I can’t keep it bottled up forever. We were on a small mission, just to scout things out. It was a standard mission, nothing too out of the ordinary. I decided to take some newbies out. I figured it would be alright, you know? It would be a good way for them to see battle in a way that wasn’t so…intense. It was the best way to ease them into killing somebody.”

Lance started tearing up a bit and shaking slightly. Keith tentatively reached out and grabbed one of Lance’s hands. Lance squeezed his hand before deciding to continue on.  
“But the Galra found out about us,” Lance whispered. “I did my best to try and protect everyone on my team, but I couldn’t do much. There were too many of them, coming from all angles. We were basically left for dead at that point. I couldn’t feel anything before I blacked out. Apparently, we were out there for a couple days before they came to look for us. I was the only one to make it out alive…Chatav told me that they needed to make a decision on who to save. They chose to save me in the end. I was still seen as more important than the rest of the other fighters. I guess part of the reason I came back was because of them. It was to honor them since I couldn’t save them.”

Lance started to openly weep. The loss was still so fresh to him and the guilt he carried was too much for him to carry alone. Hunk hugged his friend tightly and let Lance cry his heart out. The rest of the group pulled back a little to give them some space. They wanted to offer comfort, but were not sure the best way to approach the issue best.

“I think that’s enough for tonight,” Shiro said. “Let’s rest up and decide what to do tomorrow.”

Rubbing his eyes, Lance nodded shakily. He stood up and started walking before pausing briefly. Shaking his head, he continued towards his room. The rest of the group sat in silence until they were sure Lance wasn’t going to come back.

“So, was it just me or did anyone else notice how Lance didn’t mention him actually wanting to come back for himself?” Hunk asked.

Pidge, who had been silent before, answered. “It’s always been Lance’s thing to be fighting for everyone else. I think he just needed to find someone else to fight for. As odd as it might seem, Lance isn’t that selfish.”

“I think that maybe we just weren’t as vocal as we should have been about how much we appreciate what he’s done,” Allura murmured. “At least with Chatav, he got the confirmation that he is good at what he does.”

~ ~ ~

Over the next few days, the group filled Lance in on what had happened in the few months that he had been gone. Lance didn’t say much. He mostly just nodded and hummed in acknowledgment. When he did speak, it was just small pieces of advice, usually along the lines of “Well, this is what we did down there”. In the end, it was Keith who confronted Lance about his lack of involvement.

“Dude, what’s going on with you?” Keith asked, slightly irritated. 

Lance raised an eyebrow before giving an answer. “Look, you guys seem to have everything laid out pretty well here. I can only give advice when I know what I’m talking about.”

“I think what Keith meant was that you do not seem the same as you were before,” Coran suggested.

Lanced grunted. “I’m sorry that I’ve changed? I don’t get what the big deal is. What happened with Chatav changed me. I won’t be able to bounce back to the same person I was before all of this happened.”

“That makes sense,” Hunk replied. “But you’ve been talking to Blue more than you’ve been talking to us. You just seem…different. Which isn’t bad, but we’re still worried about you, Lance.”

“I’m sorry,” Lance whispered. “I just don’t know how to go back to normal. It’s too much sometimes. I can’t bounce back because I can hardly remember what it was like before the wormhole, you know? That feels like such a long ago. I’ve been trying, but I still need some time.”

“Of course,” Pidge said. “Now that you’re back, we have plenty of time. But I think it’s time for dinner.”

~ ~ ~

The paladins were still unable to form Voltron, despite having Lance back. There was still something missing between all of them, which is why Allura insisted on some team bonding. Just going out and fighting was not fixing what had been lost, so hopefully talking would help lead them in the right direction.

“Look, I don’t know what you want me to talk about. I’ve already told you guys why I’ve come back,” Lance whined. “Is it because I haven’t been hanging out as much?”

“That is part of it,” Allura replied. “But it is also because you have changed, so we need to adapt to that new dynamic, which we have not. Today is about learning about each other again and how to work with each other.”

“We thought that we should try mind melding first,” Coran explained. “We don’t have the time to take things as slow as I would like, so this seems like an easy solution.”

“I don’t know if I want the rest of you in my head,” Lance whispered. “I’m still in pain. There’s still so much that I haven’t recovered from yet. I don’t want the rest of you to suffer through that.”

“Lance, you can show us as much or as little as you want to, okay?” Keith said softly. “This is to help us understand each other again.”

“But did we even understand each other in the first place?” Lance countered.

The rest of the group frowned, but didn’t respond. Allura put a comforting hand on Lance’s shoulder. He sighed, then nodded at her in resignation. 

“Well…I guess we have to bond sooner or later. Doesn’t seem like there’s too much of a choice,” Lance muttered. 

“The device is a bit different than what you experienced before. Pidge has been experimenting with it while you were gone,” Coran explained. “You have more of a choice in the memory you want to share with the group, along with the emotion being stronger than before. The mind meld is something that will be done one on one as well, so you may pick who you share with first, Lance.”

Lance nodded and looked at Hunk. “Um, I hope you don’t mind. I feel more comfortable doing this with you first.”

“Of course, Lance,” Hunk replied.

As the two settled down, Lance whispered, “If it gets to be too much, just let me know.”

Hunk nodded and closed his eyes. At first, the feelings of guilt and pain were subtle, but it was obvious that Lance was taking this slowly. Over the next few minutes, the feelings drastically increased and felt overwhelming. Memories flashed through Hunk’s mind, briefly showing him what he assumed were the ones who had died. He saw their bodies lying on the ground for a brief moment. Suddenly, Lance pulled back and refused to show any more of what had happened.

“I’m sorry,” Lance whispered. “I didn’t want you to see that so soon.”

“Lance, I knew it was coming,” Hunk said. “Look, we’re here to bond and show that we still trust each other. Just…you don’t have to show me everything, but at the same time, you don’t have to hold back.”

Sighing, Lance closed his eyes again. Images and emotions flashed through Hunk’s mind, showing the struggle Lance had gone through when he had lost his friends. It was almost too much, but Hunk knew he needed to see this through to the end. He needed to understand the struggle Lance had faced alone. By the end of it all, Hunk was almost in tears and Lance was sagging from exhaustion. 

Laughing quietly, Lance looked at the rest of the group. “So, uh, who’s up next?”

Through the rest of the afternoon, the group rotated bonding with Lance and seeing the pain he had gone through. In turn, Lance saw different aspects of how life had changed on the castle. It was obvious that everyone was exhausted from the battles and being unable to form Voltron. Lance felt terrible for leaving his team unable to fully defend themselves and those they promised to protect. He saw it as another failure on his end.

Sitting at the dinner table, Lance brought it up. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you all. I should have been there, but I was too much of a coward to face up to anything.”

“Lance, you were not a coward,” Keith replied sharply. “You needed to leave, and you did. You had the strength to do what was right for you and that’s amazing. We kind of managed on our own.”

“But one of you could have died because I wasn’t there to form Voltron,” Lance countered. “There’s no fucking honor in that, Keith.”

“One of could have died even with Voltron being an option,” Shiro stated. “And there is always honor in doing what is best for you. Sometimes taking the time to heal for yourself is better than any other options available to you.”

Lance nodded sharply and looked back down at his food before speaking again. “I don’t know if I’ll ever go back to being the same as I was before. I’m not sure I have it in me, you know? I just need to know that you guys are okay with that.”

“Lance, we’re a team. We’ll be there for you in whatever way you need that,” Hunk replied.

~ ~ ~

Weeks had passed before there was a noticeable shift in the paladins’ relationship. Lance had noticed it first. He noticed that he was hearing things that didn’t seem quite right. They seemed like noise passing through water and were extremely faint. At first, he didn’t bring it up to the team, chalking it up to him going slightly crazy from all the battles they had been facing recently. But as the noises got clearer, it was obvious he was hearing thoughts from the other paladins.

Lance had managed to find Allura alone for once since he had come back. He knew Coran might know more than enough on the bond, but he hadn’t been able to corner Coran since he had come back. Allura would know just as much, if not more. He trusted her.

“Um, Allura, can I ask you about something?” Lance asked hesitantly.

“Of course, Lance,” Allura answered softly.

“So, I’ve noticed lately that I’ve been hearing voices in my head that are definitely not mine,” Lance explained. “At first, I thought I was going crazy, but then I noticed this one voice that sounded a lot like Keith and I’m not sure why this is happening. Is it possible that it’s our paladin bond?”

Allura smiled a little before responding. “Well, it’s the most logical explanation, especially since you all have been more cohesive lately. None of the other paladins have mentioned it to me or Coran, as far as I know. I would bring it up with everyone else at dinner tonight.”

“Thank you, Allura…for everything. Especially letting me go,” Lance whispered. “I didn’t deserve to be welcomed back as warmly as I was. Nobody should just leave like that, you know? Even if it is all for the best, it’s still pretty shitty.”

“Lance, you a paladin of Voltron. I have to respect your decisions, even if they don’t make any sense initially,” Allura replied. “Yes, it hurt us all greatly to have you gone like that and it left us scrambling for a while, but we had to accept the decision.”

Lance murmured “thanks” before he left for his room. He had a lot to think about before seeing the group again.

~ ~ ~ 

It took a little bit of time before Lance was able to work up the courage to talk to the other paladins. He wasn’t sure the best way to address the issue, but finally settled that being upfront about it all was the easiest thing to do at this point in time. It wasn’t until a week after he talked to Allura where he brought it up to the team.

“So, uh, I don’t want to sound crazy here, but are you guys hearing each other’s thoughts?” Lance asked bluntly. “Recently, I swear that I’ve been hearing you all in my head.”

“Yeah, we’ve heard them, too,” Pidge answered. “We just weren’t sure if we would freak you out too much if we said we felt the bond, especially if you didn’t feel it. I think we just wanted you to come to us in your own time.”

“Um, thanks I guess?” Lance said, confused. “I mean….this means we’re making progress right? We should be getting close to forming Voltron again.”

“Yeah, buddy, we are,” Hunk replied happily.

Lance smiled softly and looked at his friends. He knew there was still a lot to be done, but it was going to be okay eventually. He was going to be okay, as long as he had his friends.

They all knew that there was still much to work on-they were still reforming as a group, but there was more hope now. Lance was still healing mentally, while also trying to rid himself of the guilt of all that he had done. The universe still remained in dire need of help for many more generations to come, but now there was a renewed sense of hope to keep on fighting. 

FIN


End file.
